its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
