Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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