You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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