I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
