Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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