I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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