This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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