make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
