i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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