We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
