Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
