just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
