so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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