Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
