So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
