it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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