She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
