Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
