my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I have fence marks all over my body
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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