Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
