when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
