you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
