someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
