We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
