Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
