google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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