Who wears a wallet chain?!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
