Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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