What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
