Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
