im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
