i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
