You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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