I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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