She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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