"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
