I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
