I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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