Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
