my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
