im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
