I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
