I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
FUCK WHALES
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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