Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
