I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
