you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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