Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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