the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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