i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
