Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
