oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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