morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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