my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
